withsadness | Week 2, Post-Trial: Newt

[Newt is even more amped up than usual as he does his weekly post-trial laps. He thinks about avoiding the toy store, but he wants to avoid pretty much the whole stupid area now and he can't so here he is, kicking around on the outskirts of the rubble, trying to calm down and failing.

His efforts aren't exactly improved when he spots Mary. God. He's torn between biting the bullet and just... walking away. She hasn't seen him yet, he doesn't think. He's done enough damage already, and he's not sure he's ready to own up to that just yet.

He pauses for a long time before deciding, yeah, he can't do this right now. Not tonight. He tries to back away, to get the hell out of dodge without her noticing him, but he's too focused on watching her to watch his step. He trips over a loose bit of rubble, stumbling backward with a yelp. His tape recorder thunks against the concrete.

Yeah, she definitely heard that.]

[It's been so quiet that at the noise, however not terrifying it is, Mary jolts upward, gasping. Her reflexes are fumbling but she's reaching into her pocket for her psych even as she whips her head around toward the source--only to see who it is and stop. Newt isn't gonna hurt her. She doesn't need that.

But she doesn't know what to say to him. He just yelled at her. He probably didn't mean to find her, anyway, and this is just an accident. Mary picks herself up and is contemplating running away when...

without thinking about it, she grabs a melted doll from the floor and hurls it out at him, pouting angrily. It just kind of happens. It falls short, of course, because she doesn't have a very strong throw, but message probably received?]

[Newt goes rigid the second his tape recorder hits the ground, staring at her, not sure what to do. He was hoping she'd make the first move, but... Ouch. The doll doesn't hit him, of course. It doesn't land anywhere close to him, but god, he feels that impact deep in his heart.

This sucks.

He swallows and, not sure what else to do, bends to pick up his tape recorder. He dusts it off, pockets it... And, shit, that took up all of ten seconds and now he's out of things to do to avoid looking at her. Now what?

He clears his throat, bites his lip, picks at some invisible defect in the sleeve of his jacket. And then he's heading over to the doll without really knowing why. He picks it up, turning it over in his hands for a moment before chucking it back at her. Not hard--it's overhand so it's clear that he's throwing it at her and not tossing it to her, but it just grazes the edge of her dress and clatters against the rubble.]

[Mary stands, frozen, as Newt decides on his move. And then she lowers herself down to her knees to pick up her doll and cradle it close to her chest. She feels bad for throwing it. It didn't deserve it and Newt probably didn't either. She hiccups.]

It wasn't nice of me.

Which thing? [He shifts his weight and shoves his hands in his pocket.]

From where I'm standing, you haven't done anything wrong.

Friends don't throw things at friends.

[Mary puts the doll back down again, then carefully drags a couple blackened planks over it. The action is suspiciously like a burial. She's silent as she does this, but then adds pointedly, not to beat around the bush:]

You yelled at me.

[His eyes drop, following the doll.]

Yeah, well, I yell a lot. I yell at everyone. Friends included. [There's a long pause.] At least, I think I do. I, uh, I didn't have a lot of friends back home, so I guess I wouldn't know.

[Another pause, shorter this time.]

We're still friends as far as I'm concerned.

Promise?

[Mary looks up at him again.]

Double promise!

[...Oh. What? He makes a bit of a face, but then holds his hand out to her.]

Pinky promise. That's, like, both of those things combined, y'know.

[Mary has an intense look on her face, but it fades when she looks at his hand.]

Eleanor made me a pinky promise.

[The implication being pretty clear what she thinks will happen to Newt if he makes the same kind.]

Ah.

[He deflates, returning his hand to his pocket.]

What happened to her didn't have anything to do with you. You know that, right?

[Mary nods.]

I wouldn't have been able to stop it...but...she said she'd be my friend no matter what, even if we disagreed. I felt so happy that someone made me that promise.

Well, uh... [Shit. He's bad at this, especially when he's not exactly feeling so hopeful himself right now.]

That game thing did say there's a way to save people that have been erased. So, uh, that promise could still be true. It's still true with me.

You don't sound like you really believe it.

[Called out? Called out. Mary hangs her head.]

...but I believe in you. Even if you yell a lot.

[Oh. He was not expecting that. Christ.]

Look, it's not you, okay? I'm just... I don't know. I don't know what to think about all of this. And, honestly? No, I guess I don't really buy anything that comes to us from a crappy Ouija board possessed by the souls of the idiots and Reapers we've killed.

[Wait. He should back off. He's getting angry again.]

But what I think doesn't matter. I could be wrong. You should believe what you want to believe. Whatever helps you get through this, okay?

I think I'd feel the best of all of my friends just didn't die...

[But she can't control that anymore than he can. Mary clears her throat, then finds her things, pulling out her sketchbook. It takes her a sec, but then she rips out a piece of paper and hands it to Newt.

It's a picture of them and Hermann, all holding what could probably be parsed as McFlurries.]

We'll get through it together!

[Wow. That punches Newt in the chest a little bit, and then... Oh... He takes the sketch and goes silent for a few seconds, genuinely at a loss for words.]

Um. Y-yeah, we will. [He runs his thumb over the edge of the paper, thinking about how other scientists in the lab, the ones that were around before PPDC lost funding, used to decorate their desks with stuff like family photos or pictures their kids drew for them. He'd get so much shit for his only desk decoration being a cute drawing of himself and Hermann, though. He's... not sure from who, admittedly, but. Hermann would give him shit about it. Probably.]

Thanks. This is really good, you know. [He flips it around to remind her how awesome it is. He smiles, trying really hard to not look sad. It's... somewhat effective. Not fully.] When you get your second chance at life, you'd better keep honing these art skills. You're gonna be famous one day.

I don't think I will...

[Kind of an odd thing for such a self-confident and vocal kid to say about herself, but it doesn't sour her spirits too much.]

But thank you for saying that. I'll just keep drawing here for now while I can still talk to people.

[That definitely does get Newt's attention.]

...Do you, um... Do you think you're not going to make it to the end of this or something?

...what?

[Mary blinks, like she didn't even realize the words that had come out of her own mouth. At first, she doesn't say anything, her expression changing into something hard to describe.]

No, that's not what I meant.

[Please, Mary, do go on. Her hands clench against her sketchbook, bending it slightly as she pulls at it, growing rapidly more tense.]

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. It isn't anything you need to worry about.

Whoa, hey.

[He folds up the drawing and tucks it into his jacket so he can kneel down in the debris in front of her. They're slightly closer to eye-level now, at least, except now he's shorter. He squeezes her arm, rubbing her sleeve with his thumb.]

What are you apologizing for? What's going on?

I just don't want you to...

[Mary falters. She avoids looking at his face at first, her eyes falling instead on the hand on her arm.]

What would you do if you wanted to live more than anything, but you had nothing to live for?

[God, what a question. Mary is really putting him through an emotional ringer tonight. He's quiet for a moment.]

Um. I guess it depends on what you mean by having nothing to live for. [Should he be answering this honestly? He's not sure what the adult thing to do is.]

But... I think what you want matters more than having some purpose in life when you go back.

[Mary shifts on her feet.]

Oh, no, I don't just mean purpose. I mean no home and no family, either. And nowhere to find a new home or a new family.

[Her eyes get wide, almost unseeing as they go from side to side, and then she snaps them tightly shut.]

You don't have a family? [The picture in his jacket feels a lot heavier all the sudden.]

Um... I, uh. [It occurs to him that he doesn't actually know much about Mary's life before, well, her death. He doesn't even know what kind of world she's from. What kind of world just lets kids run around with nothing? Not even a hope for the future?]

I guess I'm not sure what you mean. But, um, if you still want to live despite that, you still deserve to have that chance.

[He hates not having a better grasp on what the hell is going on here. It's not her fault, but man. He's rarely this lost at sea.]

I have a father...but he left, and then he died.

[It's just the way that it is. Mary loves him, supposes she loves him, wants to love him. But can you love a man who you never really knew even if you know that he made you with love?]

And my sisters...but they're all...just like this.

[She nudges one of the burned masks with her foot.]

If I tell you something, will you promise to keep it a secret? Will you promise that you won't think of me any differently?

[Newt looks down at the mask, not at all sure where Mary is going with this. He's a little scared, he realizes. Something is... not right, here.]

Yeah, of course, kiddo. I promise.

[He's not sure if he's going to be able to keep those promises, especially not the last one, but he'll try his best. The last thing he wants is for her to doubt him.]

I'm...

[She doesn't want to say it, and goes quiet. A terror builds quickly in her chest, her heart squeezing roughly, begging her to stop. It tells her that trust isn't enough. Friendship isn't enough. She's never told anyone who and what she was because the one time someone found out for themselves, she wound up dead.

But maybe if she had told them herself, that wouldn't have been so scared. Maybe it wouldn't have had to happen. She's had some time, now, to think about the maybes.]

I'm not like you. I'm not a real girl. Please don't be mad.

[There's a moment or two where Newt is stuck watching her expectantly. That explanation can't end there. Not... real? What? He rubs at her arm again, feels the fabric of her sleeve under his fingers. She certainly feels real. Is that some trick that this game is playing on him?]

Hey, I'm not mad. Why would I be mad about that?

[He hesitates, really at a loss of where to start with this, and then, because he sucks and I gotta:]

I'm, uh, not a real girl either. [He laughs, though a bit awkwardly.] I'm... I don't really know what that means. Sorry. You look real enough to me.

[This time, approaching it like ripping off a bandaid, because she's already come so far, Mary speaks without much of a hesitation to clarify what she means.]

I'm not human. My father painted me to life, and I couldn't exist in the real world because there's no place for someone fabricated in reality.

[Mary's voice gets small once again.]

That's why I burned so quickly.

Edited 2018-03-30 08:56 (UTC)

O-oh.

[Newt rocks back on his haunches, pulling his hand away. It's more out of surprise than anything else, but he regrets it immediately. Shit, he just promised her he wouldn't think of her any differently.

And he doesn't, not really. He's yet to make any real sense of this admission, anyway.]

I... I'm sorry. So, um, when you say you want to live... You want to be real. Um, well.

[He looks down at his hands as he plays with one of his bracelets. God, he wishes he was better at this. He doesn't know what to say. Nothing's going to help this.]

You know, Mary, I think... I think a lot of the world doesn't make sense. Like, when I was a kid, monsters and aliens were just these--these made up things? They just... weren't real, not in a tangible sense. But then, all the sudden, we've got these massive aliens popping out of the ocean, threatening to destroy the entire planet, and it's not like we had any warning? It just kind of happened one day, and then it kept happening, and that was, um, that's just how things are now. That's the new reality.

[He shifts his weight, focusing even more intently on his wrist. He hopes all this will mean something to her.]

Before I died, I didn't believe in any sort of afterlife. Certainly nothing like this. When people die, you're just like, done, y'know? There's never been any scientific evidence that-- [No, stop it, that doesn't matter right now.] Waking up here threw me for another loop. It changed everything I thought I knew about how the world works. Not just the fact that I died and yet here I am, still kicking in some sense of the word, but... Like, I've never... Nothing like what you're describing exists in my world. Lenka's a giant cat, Mutsu's a sword, apparently... There's people from all different times and places and freaking universes...

[It's more than a little overwhelming when he tries to think of all of it at once like this. He stops himself, takes a breath.]

I don't know. My point is, all of this is unreal. There's no precedent. And I know, like, everything, okay? [He laughs a little.] But I'm, god, so out of my depth here. I can't be sure of anything. So... Uh.

[He glances up at her again. After a moment, he reaches up to take her hand in his.]

I'm sorry that happened to you. But, um, maybe what you think you know about how the world works isn't actually true. Maybe when you go back, you'll find a way to make it work, or you'll find a way to be happy despite it all. Or, I don't know. At the very least, you can't rule that out. This game... It changes everything, you know?

[It's not surprising the Newt regrets letting go, because the look on Mary's face clearly shows the way that she took it, and it's unclear if the rest of what he's trying to tell her is sinking in properly as she feels the weight of that absence spreading through her whole body.

Are these supposed to be words of comfort? Is Newt trying to make her feel better? Mary can't tell. She brings her hands up to her face, feeling like she's trying to hold herself together just underneath her skin. It's moments like these that her entry fee makes it so hard. How can she feel comforted when all she can feel is disdain and lies?

No, no, no don't listen to that voice. Just take the words without their emotion, and think about them logically.

Mary shakes as Newt takes her hand--it's so small inside of his, cold and trembling.]

Humans are incredible. They have so much to hope for.

[Mary gives him a smile through her shaken discomfort.]

You really don't think I'm scary?

[He swallows. That... sure is an interesting response, Mary.]

Um, no, I don't think you're scary. [Slightly unsettling, maybe, but not scary.] There are a ton of things around here that are way scarier than anything you've just told me, okay?

[He grips her hand more tightly, trying to ignore the fact that she's shaking.]

[Mary doesn't stop smiling, but her lips to press together so it thins out--like she's trying to keep something trapped inside of her, consciously or unconsciously.]

I guess I'm just used to being treated like the scariest thing in the world...

[The shaking starts to ease, little by little, her tension starting to drain.]

I'm glad you don't think of me that way, too. You're really amazing, Newt. Do you know that? That you're amazing? I'd be really sad if I'd never met you.

[That is legitimately the first time anyone has ever said something like that about him outside of his family. He blinks, not sure how to respond.]

Th-thanks, Mary... I'd be really sad if I'd never met you, too. I don't, um, I mean, I've never really had a friend like you before. [...] And I'm not talking about you not being human. That doesn't matter to me.

[He's not sure that she'll believe him. He knows he's bad at this, and on top of her entry fee, the odds are really stacked against them. So he sits up again and gently pulls her into a hug. He presses his nose into her shoulder and squeezes her tightly, hoping that maybe she'll be able to feel some fraction of the intense affection he feels for her in this moment.]

Week 2, Post-Trial: Newt

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