withsadness | Week 5, Post-Trial: Magnus

Week 5, Post-Trial: Magnus

[Man, it's been hard approaching anyone after the day they had. And Magnus is so big and that somehow makes it harder. It's not that she's afraid of him, of course, because he's always been so nice to her, but...it's exactly that niceness that makes her worry for what she might find when she follows behind him and touches his arm.]

Um...

[But she doesn't know where to start, even though she knows this conversation needs to happen.]

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[She hesitates when he turns, backs up a step, almost like she's startled that he even paused at all.]

I just...because of last time we'd talked and...

[She churns her feet against the ground, wanting to put off the subject altogether but knowing that addressing it is the right thing to do.]

I heard what you said...about me and Ichigo.

...Oh.

[He actually looks a little sheepish.]

I shouldn't have said it, in the middle of trial like that. It was stupid. I was just worried we were making a mistake.

[Mary shakes her head. Maybe he shouldn't have, but with everything that was going on...she can understand.]

I've never said a word to anyone about it. I'm not supposed to. How did you know?

Uh.

[He doesn't want to doxx him? But...]

We pestered Setz a lot, after we found out about Undine and Alex? And he told us?

[Mary's quiet. It wasn't Setz place--she's never even talked to him about it. He never mentioned to her that he knew. Was it Jacopo? Alex? Or something else? She wants to know, but...Magnus already told her that they wanted to protect all the reapers. It would be silly to be threatened by him having that information over her.]

I won't tell him you told me. Thank you for letting me know. And, um...thank you for what you did for Akira.

Yeah. If anyone asks, I'll tell them I must've gotten it wrong. Wouldn't be the first time.

[Technically, it's more their fault than Setz - they really did bully him into spilling the identity of the Reapers they didn't know. But he understands why she needed to hear the reason.

He can't respond to her thanking him for helping Akira, though. It's just hard for him to understand. If she was a Reaper too, and she was on Ichigo's team, and she wanted to help Akira, then why. Why was she able to be manipulated that way?]

...Can I ask you a question about it? About being a Reaper?

You can ask me anything you want!

[She can't promise a good answer, but she can do her best to give him something. He didn't vote for her just like anyone else, and she owes him that much.]

How old are you...? You're a kid, but you're also a Reaper. Akira told me this game was his first as a Reaper. How many games have you played?

Just one...two, if you count the one when I wasn't...what I am.

[She just can't say it, not explicitly. She looks down and away, folding her hands behind her.]

I'm nine years old. That's what my profile says. I don't know how old I really am...this is how I've always been. It's how my father designed me.

...Yeah, I get that. I mean, I was 21 for a hundred years. But even though I lived for a hundred years, I never got any less dumb. [After a second.] Not saying you're dumb. I mean 'cause 21 is a dumb age for everybody. So maybe you've been around more than nine years, but you're still nine.

[There's clearly a very long story there - being nine, her life, her death, how her father designed her. But he's from a magical world, and meets magical people with magical stories all the time. He doesn't need to delve deep into it to understand. Besides, from her comments about mannequins and being real, he thinks he has at least sort of an understanding that she's some kind of artificial person.]

That's good to know. Because, uh, the reason you're here, and Sei and Mutsu are where they are, is because you're a kid. [Harsh, but sometimes people need to hear something harsh, even children. At least, that's what he believes.] I'd hate to think I'd let them make that choice without letting them know the full story.

I know.

[It's a blow that clearly stings, Mary's stance automatically becoming more closed off...but that doesn't make him any less right. Nobody's ever really scolded her before...but that might be part of the reason she's never learned to grow much beyond her physical years.]

Mutsu and I had already talked about it...we were both from a similar place.

[Which means she has to tell Sei. Tonight. But what if Sei hates her for it? What if, what if...]

I'm just afraid of being hated.

[His expression softens a little, knowing that she talked to Mutsu about it.]

I don't think either of them have any regrets over what they did, and nothing you say is going to change that. But it's a good idea. Maybe I was wrong - maybe you're more mature than nine. No one should have to be the same forever.

[But it's still troubling him, that fear of being hated. She's such a sweet girl - a little odd, and prone to bad influences, but ultimately sweet. Is that why? Did she not want Assassin to hate her? Clearly, he manipulated her love for him by threatening to leave her.]

I wanna tell you something. You don't have to believe me if you don't want to, but I'm going to say it anyway, in case it helps you as you're moving on and growing up. The thing is - [And he knows, in a way, this is a harsh thing to say, too. But it's going to trouble him, if they all survive here and he never said it.] - the thing is, love isn't like that. The people you love are going to make mistakes sometimes, and hurt you by accident or carelessness, and you're going to make mistakes and hurt them too, but when you love somebody you won't hate them. You'll want to forgive them, like all your friends here want to forgive you.

But a person who loves you, who really loves you and understands how to love somebody, is never going to ask you to do something that goes against who you are, that hurts you, just to earn your place with them. [Or to kill someone you care about, just to avoid losing them.] It's not your fault. Some people really don't know how to love someone else, and sometimes you wanna care about someone who isn't able to care back. But you can't let those people dictate the kind of person you're going to be or the choices you make. You're worth more than that.

Love is...

[No, she trails off. This is a lot to take in. Her expressions is troubled as she thinks it over and over, but what he's saying has a hard time straightening it out properly again once she absorbs it. Mary didn't want to cry anymore, but she can't help it. Her eyes water up again.]

What if I don't know how? What if never learn how to love someone the right way?

Uh. I don't really know...

[Her reaction makes him hesitate, a little awkward. Maybe it wasn't that good of an idea to get into this with a troubled little girl - not when he doesn't know everything she's been through. But that's just how he is, always saying things without thinking them through. He's never thought through how to love someone, how not to hurt the people you love, either. He always just did, too much, enough that he'd rather die than let any of them down.

He's much less confident, explaining how to love someone.]

I think you just have to try...not to hurt the people you care about? [It seems so easy to him, but he also knows how often it isn't easy at all.] And maybe sometimes you'll make mistakes. But I think you'll be okay.

[He stops for a second, bothering to try and collect his thoughts before rushing forward again.] Like at the trial. You confessed, because Akira and Lenka asked you, right? And they both matter to you, and you wanted to be honest with them even if it hurt, and you didn't want Akira to be hurt instead. So, I think maybe you already know how. You just need some time to practice.

It's so hard...I don't understand when people want such different things from me. The things that Akira and Lenka and Ichigo asked me for are not at all like the things that Shinshin or Jacopo or Izaya did.

[Mary sinks down into a crouch, pressing her hands to her cheeks.]

I've never had this many people to care for all at once before. It's so much. It's so, so much. Has your heart ever felt so full that you felt as if it could just burst, Magnus? Is it supposed to hurt so badly?

[This probably isn't the right time or place for this conversation. And maybe it's not fair to ask these things of Magnus. But then, nobody's ever really spoken to her this way to begin with, and she's not very good at reading the room.]

Sometimes, yeah. Can't have love in your life without risking getting hurt a little. [He's never been betrayed or used by anyone, the way he feels she was. But he's been let down. And he's felt grief bad enough it nearly destroyed him.] It's scary, huh. 'cause you know every good feeling...you still know how much it'd hurt if you lost 'em. I get it.

But that's why you have to know what's right and wrong for yourself, and you can't let other people change that, no matter how hard it is. [Fair or not, he started this conversation and he's not shying away from finishing it, even if there's some difficult things to say.] I think you knew hurting Ichigo was wrong. Just 'cause you loved someone who wanted him hurt doesn't change that it was wrong.

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Week 5, Post-Trial: Magnus

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